


I Promise, I'm Trying.

by ParkeRose



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Pining, Soft Neil Josten, Sometimes Sad, generally very soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParkeRose/pseuds/ParkeRose
Summary: This, he thought, was something he couldn’t describe. But, he never wanted to give it up.He wouldn’t, he promised himself.---A soft story set in Neil's third year at PSU full of friendship, laughter and love.
Relationships: Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Jean Moreau, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 75





	1. Lemon Boy.

**Author's Note:**

> A quick overview, this is a lot of comforting and soft moments for Andrew and Neil while Kevin figures out some things in his life.  
> Thank you for reading, kudos and comments are always welcome and appreciated, enjoy!  
> Work & Chapter titles are taken from cavetown's songs because they're soft as hell and i adore them.  
> That being said, I'm for-whatever-that-means on tumblr if anyone wants to communicate outside of this site.

“I don’t think it matters”, Andrew said.

“I think it does.”

“Well, I disagree.”

“Well. I don’t care.”

Neil laughed as Andrew hiccuped, trying to stifle the sound and then took another swig of his beer. They were on the roof of the Tower and it was closing three a.m. Neil wasn’t worried, even though he was now the official Captain of a one time Championship winning team of reckless, sad individuals. It was a Saturday night and there was nothing to do but sleep in till noon the next day and try to take in every detail of the moment that was happening in front of him. 

Andrew was smiling. 

It wasn’t a barely there thing. Wasn’t a half-smile. It was a full blown mouth twisted upwards, eyes happy, Andrew Minyard smile in all its glory. Neil didn’t plan on blinking it away and he could feel his gaze turn softer, his own smile widen. 

They had been talking about, well, Neil couldn’t really remember? Guava’s? Kevin? Could have been anything. Could have been nothing. But, this. This was  _ everything.  _

He didn’t say anything, soon the moment would fade away into the recesses of his mind, locked away to remember on a rainy day, that he had accomplished many things the world would remember him for but this was his own, personal,  _ favourite _ achievement. A victory like no else. 

The amusing part was that it was unconscious. 

Andrew, who was always so careful about what he did or said around others even though he tried to play it off as standoffish behaviour, the facts were in front of everyone, that Andrew thought before he spoke which was more than Neil could say about anyone else on the team. Especially himself. Andrew was always aware. He knew everything about anything, his memory untainted, and Neil was there to listen to all of it. In moments when he was sharing something of interest, Andrew was careful not to say too much or too little. Neil was becoming more observant day by day but only when it came to Andrew. Nothing else. No one else. 

And here he was. 

The man who had claimed so thoroughly that he wanted nothing, that everything ends. Smiling. Carefree. Neil couldn’t tear his eyes away. 

His mind blanked when Andrew’s eyes met his. They didn’t say anything, Neil’s laugh still ringing between them, caught in the air, forever to be remembered in each other’s mind. Neil tilted his head to the side, still looking. 

“What are you thinking about?” he asked the air between them. 

It was silent for a moment. Andrew’s smile had blurred into a pleased expression, not the dead eyes he often gave everyone, still. He looked a bit like he expected the question from Neil who was always curious and always asking questions now that he knew the answers weren’t a bargain but conversation. Maybe they always had been. Sometimes Andrew didn’t answer. He looked away from Neil, leaning back on one arm and taking another drink. Neil looked away, deciding that today was one of those days when Andrew wouldn’t answer. The smile had been enough of a confession. 

“Your laugh.”

Neil looked back at him. Andrew was staring at the sky, a random point above them, no stars in sight. It was a bit cloudy, when Neil followed his gaze, but his eyes slid to Andrew again. 

He hadn’t thought that, through all this, the honour of Andrew’s happiness and comfort wrapped around them like a blanket, in the appreciation of a moment which  _ meant something, _ he was being observed as well. That Andrew would think of his laugh the way Neil would think of his smile. His face grew warm at Andrew’s admission. 

He wanted to say,  _ I was thinking of your smile _ , but he was speechless. To be observed with care. That was something Neil was still unused to. He was used to the hair on his neck standing when he felt like someone was following him. Used to knowing that throughout his life, the  _ FBI _ would be observing him (though Andrew had told him they were possibly observing everyone, having a special place in their minds as the Butcher’s son, he was entitled to worrying more than everyone else) He was used to many things that would take a long time to unlearn but this feeling was something he thought he would never get used to. 

He knew Andrew cared. It was rather obvious, in moments like these. He was stupid, he needed things spelled out, but Andrew didn’t have to say it. Neil could see it pretty clearly now. 

They stared at each other in silence, heavy with words left unsaid. Maybe one day, Neil thought. Maybe I’ll say it. Maybe he will. He didn’t really want the night to end. Was hoping to sit here, looking at Andrew forever. 

He leaned forward, pausing before Andrew’s lips. Andrew leaned forward and kissed him. A soft peck, that’s all it was. But it wasn’t. It was never nothing between them, anymore. They both knew it. Neil shivered, from the cold or-

“Should we go back?” Andrew asked, quietly. 

Neil shook his head. He sighed, resting his forehead against Andrew’s. Felt something wrap around him. Andrew’s jacket had been lying beside them and now it wasn’t. He’d managed to snag it and wrap it around Neil without moving away. Without Neil noticing, so lost he was in the gravity of it all. 

This was still rare.

But it was becoming more common everyday and that’s what mattered. 

\---

Matt was showing Neil a video of some kittens playing in the grass and Neil was looking at them in awe. 

“They’re so tiny”, Neil said, after a moment. 

“Like you and your monster”, Matt replied, laughing. Neil looked at him disappointedly. This was something he had learnt from Renee. Or rather from observing her. More often than not, when the Foxes said something upsetting, Renee would only look at them in a way that got the point across. Matt pursed his lips and apologized. “You and Andrew”, he corrected. 

Neil stood up to get himself some coffee. “Maybe I should get a kitten”, Neil said.

“Maybe”, Matt drawled. Neil yawned into his sleeves. 

The PSU jackets that were handed out this year had been no one’s size. The sleeves were too long, even for Kevin, and they were too wide, even for Matt. But. They were comfortable and it was cold. Neil was wearing Andrew’s jacket, possibly on purpose, possibly because he’d grabbed the first thing he’d seen when he headed out his dorm to Matt’s. Kevin’s voice drifted in from the doorway and then the knock resounded. Matt opened the door, greeted both Kevin and Andrew, taking the tons of ice cream pints away from them. Andrew held one bag close and let the rest slip away from him. He was wearing his glasses, Neil saw as he walked towards him. Kevin and Matt set out on some discussion and Kevin smacked him across the head. Matt laughed. “If you were a dwarf from Snow White, you’d be Grumpy”, Matt told Kevin.

“Get me a spoon”, Kevin grumbled, grumpily sitting down on the couch. 

“You’re proving me right!”, Matt called after him. Kevin leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He looked tired. 

“Is he okay?” Neil whispered to Andrew when he was close enough. 

“Headache. His hand hurts.”

Neil nodded. He knew how difficult it was for Kevin to be reminded constantly that he hadn’t gotten out of the Nest unscathed. He was going to pay the price forever. Sometimes when the scars on his face itched too much he felt it too. Freedom at a cost. Andrew held up Neil’s ice cream up for him but Neil shook his head so Andrew kept it in the freezer. He hoped none of them caught a cold, eating ice cream in the middle of November. 

“Did he go to Abby?”

“Says he’ll go tomorrow.”

Neil nodded again, remembering his coffee and stepped away from the fridge he had been leaning against. He held the cup between his sleeves, the warmth making him sigh. He held it up to his face, letting the aroma calm him. He jumped onto the counter and let his legs swing about. 

After a moment of calm, Neil allowed himself to look at Andrew, knowing it would be a distraction from the rest of the world. 

“Staring”, Andrew remarked, stepping closer. Then, Andrew kissed his cheek. Neil hid his face in Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew kissed his temple. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist, coffee still in hand. 

Matt and Kevin were still talking outside, the occasional pointed remark, sudden laughter. Background noise of friends Neil never knew he could have. Warmth from the closest friend Neil had, who was still eating ice cream over his shoulder. He took a sip of his coffee as well, closing his eyes. 

He never thought he would understand the sentiment of not wanting more than what he already had. His life had been a crazy ride of things he had looked at from afar, wondering what it would be like to enjoy the mundane. He had always wanted but he knew he could live without them. 

_ This _ , he thought, was something he couldn’t describe. But, he never wanted to give it up. 

He wouldn’t, he promised himself. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Another One Of Those Days.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin's bad, sad Day. Friendship™️.

Kevin shut the fridge door, an exhausted sigh escaping his lips. 

It was raining outside and he hated it. He settled down in Aaron’s beanbag chair, slumping completely, letting himself drown in the comfort of it. Maybe he should get a beanbag for himself. 

He rolled the can of cranberry juice over his left wrist, over and over, eyes snagged on the scars. The door to the dorm opened and a dripping wet Neil walked in, throwing his bag to the floor in frustration and rushing to get changed. Kevin turned his stare to the ceiling. 

The only light open was the one in the kitchen, dim and white it cast shadows on the ceiling and Kevin tried not to get lost inside his own head again. It was difficult sometimes, to stay present and in the moment. He was glad he was alone as his mind began to drift and blank. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there in that position but he blinked and took a deep breath when he heard Neil slump in the other beanbag chair. 

“I hate the rain”, Neil whispered. Kevin nodded slowly, brought back to reality with the thought of how similar him and Neil were. Andrew was probably still in class. 

Neil sighed as well. Kevin had began to notice how Neil was picking up on the Foxes habits. Sometimes when he brought the team back in line, he’d sound exactly like Dan. There was a picture of Aaron and Neil where they were both wearing the same expression, their arms crossed, looking like they were judging someone. His broody silences like Andrew’s, a rare excited ramble like Nicky, strange bouts of empathy learned through Renee. And Kevin? What had he given to Neil, the way everyone else had? They were similar, he’d thought that seconds ago. But, how? 

So, he looked away. Back to the ceiling it was. 

“Are you okay?” Neil asked, after an eon. Kevin blinked again. Then, again. Cleared his throat. Nodded. Closed his eyes. 

This time, Kevin broke the silence. 

“Is it just me or is it very cold?”

“I mean. It  _ is _ raining. Might be that?” Neil said. 

“Are you cold?” Kevin asked. Neil thought for a moment. 

“Not really.” Neil stood, taking the cranberry juice from Kevin’s hand and keeping it to the side. Kevin felt so incredibly weak, he’d forgotten he was holding it entirely. Neil pressed the back of his hand to Kevin’s forehead. 

“You have a fever.”

Kevin groaned, quietly. Neil left the room for a while and Kevin floated in and out of himself. 

“Have you eaten?” Neil asked, softly, leaning down, next to Kevin. Kevin looked at him through dull eyes and shook his head. Neil nodded and left again. 

Kevin’s mind began to wander into unchartered territory. He rarely thought of Riko, now. There was no need to give importance to a ghost. He worried for Jean. For a moment, he thought of how Jean would still be at the Nest, alone and suffering, and panicked. Then he remembered. Jean was at USC. Jeremy had said he was doing well. He was okay. 

Kevin would never say it, not even to himself, how terrifyingly he missed Jean. He wasn’t surprised Jean had gotten along with Renee so easily. There was no limit to how kind both of them were. Kevin remembered once, when Jean had gotten sick and- 

“Here”, Neil said. Kevin sat up. His back hurt. Neil handed him a sandwich on a plate and kept a glass of water and medicine on the table in front of them, “Try to eat all of it.”

Kevin tried. 

“What’s wrong, Kevin?” Neil asked, again. 

Kevin swallowed. “I have a fever.” 

Neil rolled his eyes like Allison. “Not that. You haven’t been. Talking.”

“Do I normally talk a lot?” Kevin was so confused. 

“You’re definitely more annoying on a good day. You’ve been a bit faded.”

“Faded?” Kevin asked. “I’m not faded.” 

Neil sighed. “Okay.”

Andrew walked in after a while. He didn’t look like he hated the rain, even though he was soaked through as well. “I’m going to the roof”, he said, and walked back out. 

Neil didn’t follow him. “I hate the rain”, he repeated. 

Kevin nodded, again. “Andrew might get sick if he stays out.”

Neil stood up, braced for damage control. A funny look on him considering how much damage his words did for the team’s reputation but he’d calmed down a little, since he became Captain. 

“Can’t have both of you sick”, he whispered, before putting on some flipflops and rushing out after Andrew. 

And so Kevin was alone again. 

He thought he’d fall asleep after that but his brain was as unpredictable as ever. It still startled him how his thoughts jumped from one point to another. One second he was thinking of nothing, then he was thinking of going to Columbia on the weekends, then he was thinking of showing up at USC and how Jean would react to his presence. Should probably warn him before going there for a long overdue reunion. Maybe Jean would tell him not to show up. Kevin didn’t want to think about how upset that would make him feel but he was thinking. He fell asleep wondering what would happen if Jean wanted to see him too.

Someone kicked the side of the beanbag. 

There was a blanket over Kevin’s shoulder, his hands tight around himself. He woke up and shivered. Yawned and tears gathered at the edge of his eyes. 

“Get up”, Aaron said. 

Kevin looked at him through bleary eyes then stood shakily and walked to the room.. 

“You don’t even live her”, he mumbled, on his way. He saw Andrew and Neil asleep on the top bunk and realized he was headed towards Neil’s bed but he didn’t care. He fell face first and was asleep again within seconds. 

“Is he dead, do you think?”

“Hopefully.”

“Andrew, we don’t want him to die.”

“We don’t?”

“No”, Neil said, then shook Kevin. 

“I’m up.” Kevin’s voice was raspy and low. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Do you think I should go to USC?”

Neil’s brows furrowed in confusion and he leaned down to hear Kevin better. Kevin didn’t want to repeat what he said. 

“Do you think I should meet Jean?”

Neil’s eyes widened. “Jean? Why do you want to meet Jean? Is everything okay? Did Jeremy say something?”

Kevin shook his head and brought his blanket up to cover his burning face.

He didn’t need to look at Andrew and Neil to know they were conversing in silence. Probably throwing their patent worried looks towards Kevin like they had been for the past few weeks. He  _ was _ rather out of it, even at practice. He couldn’t help it. 

It was like a dam had been opened. Every time he tried to think of something he’d always end up thinking of Jean. Worry, concern, guilt, regret. Fear. He didn’t know what to do. 

He’d never told anyone what happened with or to Jean at the Nest. It wasn’t his place and he didn’t have the strength to revisit such memories, good or bad.

“You should wake up”, Andrew said. 

Kevin nodded from under the blanket. 

“You need to eat”, Neil said. 

Kevin took the blanket off of his face, slowly. 

“I think”, he began, realizing he had been thinking a lot lately, “that I am having a bad day.”

Neil sat at the end of his bunk with his feet over Kevin’s. Andrew was sitting on the floor, with his laptop open. Neil was talking about exy. Then he was talking about the team. Then he was rubbing his face and complaining about being Captain. Then he was asking Kevin for advice. 

Kevin wasn’t feeling better but he was feeling more awake. A bit more alive. He was sweating though his shirt now, fever receding and there was a dull ache in his head but nothing too intolerable. He needed to pee. 

“Pee”, he said.

“You think I should pee on the freshmen?” 

Andrew made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, not moving his gaze away from the screen. 

“Did you ask me something?” Kevin asked. 

“What should I do with the freshmen? And you said pee.”

“Yes. Get off me. I need to pee.”

“Oh.” Neil moved his legs so Kevin could get up. 

When he came back, he felt like he was walking through quicksand. He sat down on the floor next to Andrew, Neil sitting on the bed behind them. He mustered up the courage. 

“Do you think I should meet Jean?”

“Right now?”, Andrew said. Kevin rolled his eyes. 

Neil kept his chin on Andrew’s head. 

“Tell me, honestly.”

“You’re asking the wrong person”, Neil said. “Andrew’s not very fond of Jean.”

Andrew didn’t accept or deny the claim. 

“I think you would get along well if you knew him”, Kevin said. 

“I think you should ask Jean”, Andrew said, after a moment of silence. 

Kevin nodded. 

He should ask Jean. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am more than sorry for the pun in the summary. I hope you all like this, kudos and comments are always appreciated! Take care, lovely people.


End file.
